Right now, I am in the midst of chapter 06 and identifying the 4th Mansion as a good description of my process and progress. (Very recent and surprising progress at that).
Truth to tell I would not have expected there to be that strong a link between one's outer and inner life. I cannot say how my prayer life is changed, but I find myself able to do good works I would have shied away from before.
Ah! What I am trying to say is that I am weak in trusting myself and others, but suddenly, having become intentional in a desire to trust in Jesus, I find I am not so afraid to tell the truth. (I suppose as a child, I was punished for heedlessly playing with the truth.) Having forgiven the proximal cause of that old wound, a locked door seems to now be standing open.
There is, it seems to me, a beautiful dance now inviting my participation.
This brings me to the desire for direction: I have not quite finished reading chapter 06. I have not read what promises to be lengthy commentary. I have not even visited the conversations beyond 01. (This chapter 06 seems to speak with authority beyond that which I feel more or less already in command of). IOW, worth my time and attention.
So. I will finish reading 06. I have already imposed a brief reaction, perhaps just to get your attention as the conductor of this train, as it were. I suspect that I might do well to go back and participate in the conversations, 01 to 05 before venturing to read what I'm coming to expect will be of rather more scope and comparable depth to what most captures my notice.
Scope? Bring it, I say! If it exceeds my bandwidth, it won't be the first time, though I may not engage every point, I shall intend to meet what I percieve to be the strongest. (One should feel ashamed of disposing of an observation, much less an argument, by adressing only the weakest.) I have a hard time not feeling contempt for such "victories."
Does this seem fair, now that I'm formally intending to commit to this "READALONGING" thing?
As always, may this be in accord with Our Lord's Will Amen
> but suddenly, having become intentional in a desire to trust in Jesus, I find I am not so afraid to tell the truth.
If I look at one of my first journals from 7 or 8 years ago, I think I would see (at the same time, at war with each other) the desire to be known and the fear of being known, which resulted in a marvelously *stilted* style (and circumlocution and omissions) as though I was concerned that someone would read it (since my idea of journals was based on posthumously published *private* diaries, I had an unrealistic expectation that *someone might read it* because of course someone (me and many others) had read all of those) and as though I was terrified of what they would think. I say "as though" but it would be correct to say "because". I did attempt to reason with myself that this is sample bias ("all of the secret diaries *I've ever read* have been *read by somebody*" is the very essence of sample bias) and that the vast majority of diaries are never read by anyone other than our Lord (who reads everything, and counts the hairs on our heads, like a hen with one chick), and just go to a landfill to decompose. But a lack of trust (unrecognized as such) cannot really be overcome by reason. If I sampled some of the later journals I think I would see a gradual descent from this stilted writing to (eventually) writing more openly and honestly and (very eventually) without the same degree of circumlocution, though some of that had actually been due to not wanting to admit things *to myself*.
However, "ain't nobody got time for that", as they say, and the little journals just accumulate on a shelf, unread even by me (rarely I need to look back for something specific and it is hardly ever farther back than the current journal). I have stopped thinking about whether anyone would read them. Yesterday morning I had a conversation with someone (speaking truth that everyone else wasn't going to say, and which all of us knew would not have any useful effect), which I would not have done a few years ago. I can't call it fruitless because these things that have no outward effect (because other people have free will when called to repentance, and refuse to see any need to change in some small way) nevertheless have an effect on the person who willingly makes the effort from the desire to call people to holiness of life and *faithfulness in small things*. I am thinking through this as I write about it... as we trust Jesus more, we are presented with opportunities to act on this trust, and then we merit the grace to ask for a greater trust in him, so I should ask.
This is me checking back to see "when did I ask for this?" (ask and you shall receive, and as part of receiving it is important to *accept* what is offered, so maybe it is helpful to remember that one asked for something, and what one asked for, and that this really is it, and that St.Teresa was not kidding (I mean, she was, it was a joke, but only funny because true) about him having few friends.)
Intending to report that I seem not to have been notified (outside of Substack at least) of this significant remark.
Really funny because Jesus may have few friends among Catholics, but He has countless Protestant friends, who only fail most often to take Him really seriously. "What a friend we have in Jesus!" Note lower case "f".
Though some time may pass before words are marshalled and sent forth, I am (Find the right word, now.) Ah! Engaged. That's what I want to say... Seldom does the right word have but a single meaning.
I went on Koinonia when I would otherwise have been reading this chapter. It was a lot of listening and discussing much more than praying so after the weekend my first priority was to get my prayer life in order, which took some time. Then with the additional beyond the weekly piano practice for church the additional Ash Wednesday practice so I had to spend more time than usual on it. Plus it took a long time to read this long chapter so I got the Desert Fathers in a Year caught up first. And now that I have finished this chapter and read my notes and your response I can finally respond.
I was the victim of lots of child abuse and refused to forgive the perpetrators with the result that I had ceased to believe in what the Church teaches by the time I was 13. I continued the outward observances until I was 17 and went to a summer school program in Chicago where I stopped going and refused to go when I got home. I returned to the Church by going to Confession a couple of months after my divorce. I went through many years of therapy to be able to feel anything but anger, which I tend to use as a cover for sorrow.
I don't know where I am in the mansions. I mostly focus on forgiving
I have not even begun to write my next post (whatever number it is)… maybe during Lent I will post every 2 weeks (or every “random number of weeks, greater than 1”) instead of every 1 week. These are long chapters.
This could be asked anywhere, but how do I know if I am being favored for being open and ready, or am merely being cleverly manipulated by the adversary?
I'm thinking that I have had a single experience of being "Touched," during the 15 minutes of my first (of two, lifetime) Adorations. But...
Would this be a time for me to say more, here?
Back to add the other thing that has been nudging me: This thing about praying intensively while supposing that one is not, and perhaps seldom ever prays: I'd be gratified to imagine (lukewarm Believing?) that much of what I say online, when engaging my every voluntary faculty, could be prayer; especially when engaging a fellow Believer. Or what?
> how do I know if I am being favored for being open and ready, or am merely being cleverly manipulated by the adversary?
St Ignatius of Loyola would have a checklist of how to figure that out (discernment of spirits). St John of the Cross would say to not to bother even trying to figure it out. The only thing that a person needs to know, practically speaking, is whether to *stop fighting God* for a minute, when God is interested in dropping the person into the lake of contemplative prayer for a bit but the person has other plans for how many rosaries or novenas he/she was going to pray during this time set aside for prayer and is clinging to these plans like an over-tired child refusing to nap (when told to) because he/she has an important page in a coloring book to finish. I think in the modern age, people who are on the edge of being sometimes tossed into the lake are most likely to cling to "But I need to finish this daily rosary or I am a bad Catholic", "I need to finish this daily perpetual novena or this prayer that St Bridget of Sweden promised would bring my kids back to the faith...". What happens (subjectively) in prayer is not important: could be dry, could be "love poured into one's heart like 4 pounds of sugar into a 2 pound sack", could be "I see that I have never done anything good and I am chastened", could be delightful, could be painful. Could be "the conscious part of me that thinks in sentences is sitting outside of a house like a dog and there is a party in the house at which some other part of my soul [the will, I think, which is in charge of deciding whether to move] is apparently present, but here I sit, like a good dog, patiently and also a little bored [and necessarily immobile] waiting for its master to come back out". Could be other things I have not heard about, or things we read about like visions or locutions or touches or smells. Whatever God is doing, God does and it is effective and we can forget about what any of it seemed to feel like. We cannot directly sense what God is actually doing (it would be like trying to smell what a computer is doing, but more so.)
With regard to judging the quality of one's prayer I would say that here we are talking about "I go to sit in a church for a half hour of prayer. In the past I felt emotions x, y, z. (e.g. doing stations of the cross) and made many promises to God and felt great love and desire to be a saint and all that stuff. Right now I feel like a piece of wood. I don't have any feelings of love or fervor. I feel like a bored security guard staring at the tabernacle to make sure it does not walk away. I look at my watch after an eternity and it has been two minutes. I read a sentence from a book about how much Jesus has suffered for us and instead of being moved to tears I feel nothing. Also now I feel guilty about how badly I must be praying. I make a few petitions but I have the sensation that God is not hearing me and is turned away." But prayer is not the ability to summon emotions and it is not about telling Jesus how much we would like to be cut into small pieces for his sake (and an hour later among other people, any little irritation cannot be endured ). It is partly about the willingness to make a holocaust of part of one's life by spending time doing what seems fruitless. A person could do something else with that time. There might be a lot of involuntary distraction (I notice my mind has wandered off and I remind myself I am here to spend time with God) or temptation to do something else. There are other examples of how we misjudge whether we are praying well but I think this is a fairly common one. St Teresa of Avila says to judge prayer over the long haul by whether we have improved in charity towards our neighbors.
When writing things on the internet we ought to do it together with God but it's very easy to forget.
It would be in error to feel indebted to you, Bridget, but for sure I feel even more indebted to God, Whom you at least allowed to Speak through yourself, not for a moment as His sock puppet. For that, my gratitude is indeed profound.
I was going to read your retrospective this morning, but I am distracted by A.I. speculations and the consequences of playing Frankenstein with the physical remains of my better off dead devices. (Freely squandering my limited time to save a little money.)
I'm that guy who will spend a day to avoid a ten-minute drive to the hardware store to save a dollar. b/c "Make do with what you have." Much of my life has been lived in a post-apocalypse mode, in which I am the man with one eye among the blind. I presume you might know what I mean.
There! Now you know who I really am, if left to my own devices. Ever read Terry Pratchett? Discworld? You must! No. Not really, but he spoke to me at one time with so much generosity of spirit and all...
I seem to be catching up. If this were a race, I'd be thinking, "Just get her to look back."
I feel that I might benifit from some direction.
Right now, I am in the midst of chapter 06 and identifying the 4th Mansion as a good description of my process and progress. (Very recent and surprising progress at that).
Truth to tell I would not have expected there to be that strong a link between one's outer and inner life. I cannot say how my prayer life is changed, but I find myself able to do good works I would have shied away from before.
Ah! What I am trying to say is that I am weak in trusting myself and others, but suddenly, having become intentional in a desire to trust in Jesus, I find I am not so afraid to tell the truth. (I suppose as a child, I was punished for heedlessly playing with the truth.) Having forgiven the proximal cause of that old wound, a locked door seems to now be standing open.
There is, it seems to me, a beautiful dance now inviting my participation.
This brings me to the desire for direction: I have not quite finished reading chapter 06. I have not read what promises to be lengthy commentary. I have not even visited the conversations beyond 01. (This chapter 06 seems to speak with authority beyond that which I feel more or less already in command of). IOW, worth my time and attention.
So. I will finish reading 06. I have already imposed a brief reaction, perhaps just to get your attention as the conductor of this train, as it were. I suspect that I might do well to go back and participate in the conversations, 01 to 05 before venturing to read what I'm coming to expect will be of rather more scope and comparable depth to what most captures my notice.
Scope? Bring it, I say! If it exceeds my bandwidth, it won't be the first time, though I may not engage every point, I shall intend to meet what I percieve to be the strongest. (One should feel ashamed of disposing of an observation, much less an argument, by adressing only the weakest.) I have a hard time not feeling contempt for such "victories."
Does this seem fair, now that I'm formally intending to commit to this "READALONGING" thing?
As always, may this be in accord with Our Lord's Will Amen
> but suddenly, having become intentional in a desire to trust in Jesus, I find I am not so afraid to tell the truth.
If I look at one of my first journals from 7 or 8 years ago, I think I would see (at the same time, at war with each other) the desire to be known and the fear of being known, which resulted in a marvelously *stilted* style (and circumlocution and omissions) as though I was concerned that someone would read it (since my idea of journals was based on posthumously published *private* diaries, I had an unrealistic expectation that *someone might read it* because of course someone (me and many others) had read all of those) and as though I was terrified of what they would think. I say "as though" but it would be correct to say "because". I did attempt to reason with myself that this is sample bias ("all of the secret diaries *I've ever read* have been *read by somebody*" is the very essence of sample bias) and that the vast majority of diaries are never read by anyone other than our Lord (who reads everything, and counts the hairs on our heads, like a hen with one chick), and just go to a landfill to decompose. But a lack of trust (unrecognized as such) cannot really be overcome by reason. If I sampled some of the later journals I think I would see a gradual descent from this stilted writing to (eventually) writing more openly and honestly and (very eventually) without the same degree of circumlocution, though some of that had actually been due to not wanting to admit things *to myself*.
However, "ain't nobody got time for that", as they say, and the little journals just accumulate on a shelf, unread even by me (rarely I need to look back for something specific and it is hardly ever farther back than the current journal). I have stopped thinking about whether anyone would read them. Yesterday morning I had a conversation with someone (speaking truth that everyone else wasn't going to say, and which all of us knew would not have any useful effect), which I would not have done a few years ago. I can't call it fruitless because these things that have no outward effect (because other people have free will when called to repentance, and refuse to see any need to change in some small way) nevertheless have an effect on the person who willingly makes the effort from the desire to call people to holiness of life and *faithfulness in small things*. I am thinking through this as I write about it... as we trust Jesus more, we are presented with opportunities to act on this trust, and then we merit the grace to ask for a greater trust in him, so I should ask.
> so I should ask.
This is me checking back to see "when did I ask for this?" (ask and you shall receive, and as part of receiving it is important to *accept* what is offered, so maybe it is helpful to remember that one asked for something, and what one asked for, and that this really is it, and that St.Teresa was not kidding (I mean, she was, it was a joke, but only funny because true) about him having few friends.)
Intending to report that I seem not to have been notified (outside of Substack at least) of this significant remark.
Really funny because Jesus may have few friends among Catholics, but He has countless Protestant friends, who only fail most often to take Him really seriously. "What a friend we have in Jesus!" Note lower case "f".
Though some time may pass before words are marshalled and sent forth, I am (Find the right word, now.) Ah! Engaged. That's what I want to say... Seldom does the right word have but a single meaning.
I went on Koinonia when I would otherwise have been reading this chapter. It was a lot of listening and discussing much more than praying so after the weekend my first priority was to get my prayer life in order, which took some time. Then with the additional beyond the weekly piano practice for church the additional Ash Wednesday practice so I had to spend more time than usual on it. Plus it took a long time to read this long chapter so I got the Desert Fathers in a Year caught up first. And now that I have finished this chapter and read my notes and your response I can finally respond.
I was the victim of lots of child abuse and refused to forgive the perpetrators with the result that I had ceased to believe in what the Church teaches by the time I was 13. I continued the outward observances until I was 17 and went to a summer school program in Chicago where I stopped going and refused to go when I got home. I returned to the Church by going to Confession a couple of months after my divorce. I went through many years of therapy to be able to feel anything but anger, which I tend to use as a cover for sorrow.
I don't know where I am in the mansions. I mostly focus on forgiving
I have not even begun to write my next post (whatever number it is)… maybe during Lent I will post every 2 weeks (or every “random number of weeks, greater than 1”) instead of every 1 week. These are long chapters.
This could be asked anywhere, but how do I know if I am being favored for being open and ready, or am merely being cleverly manipulated by the adversary?
I'm thinking that I have had a single experience of being "Touched," during the 15 minutes of my first (of two, lifetime) Adorations. But...
Would this be a time for me to say more, here?
Back to add the other thing that has been nudging me: This thing about praying intensively while supposing that one is not, and perhaps seldom ever prays: I'd be gratified to imagine (lukewarm Believing?) that much of what I say online, when engaging my every voluntary faculty, could be prayer; especially when engaging a fellow Believer. Or what?
> how do I know if I am being favored for being open and ready, or am merely being cleverly manipulated by the adversary?
St Ignatius of Loyola would have a checklist of how to figure that out (discernment of spirits). St John of the Cross would say to not to bother even trying to figure it out. The only thing that a person needs to know, practically speaking, is whether to *stop fighting God* for a minute, when God is interested in dropping the person into the lake of contemplative prayer for a bit but the person has other plans for how many rosaries or novenas he/she was going to pray during this time set aside for prayer and is clinging to these plans like an over-tired child refusing to nap (when told to) because he/she has an important page in a coloring book to finish. I think in the modern age, people who are on the edge of being sometimes tossed into the lake are most likely to cling to "But I need to finish this daily rosary or I am a bad Catholic", "I need to finish this daily perpetual novena or this prayer that St Bridget of Sweden promised would bring my kids back to the faith...". What happens (subjectively) in prayer is not important: could be dry, could be "love poured into one's heart like 4 pounds of sugar into a 2 pound sack", could be "I see that I have never done anything good and I am chastened", could be delightful, could be painful. Could be "the conscious part of me that thinks in sentences is sitting outside of a house like a dog and there is a party in the house at which some other part of my soul [the will, I think, which is in charge of deciding whether to move] is apparently present, but here I sit, like a good dog, patiently and also a little bored [and necessarily immobile] waiting for its master to come back out". Could be other things I have not heard about, or things we read about like visions or locutions or touches or smells. Whatever God is doing, God does and it is effective and we can forget about what any of it seemed to feel like. We cannot directly sense what God is actually doing (it would be like trying to smell what a computer is doing, but more so.)
With regard to judging the quality of one's prayer I would say that here we are talking about "I go to sit in a church for a half hour of prayer. In the past I felt emotions x, y, z. (e.g. doing stations of the cross) and made many promises to God and felt great love and desire to be a saint and all that stuff. Right now I feel like a piece of wood. I don't have any feelings of love or fervor. I feel like a bored security guard staring at the tabernacle to make sure it does not walk away. I look at my watch after an eternity and it has been two minutes. I read a sentence from a book about how much Jesus has suffered for us and instead of being moved to tears I feel nothing. Also now I feel guilty about how badly I must be praying. I make a few petitions but I have the sensation that God is not hearing me and is turned away." But prayer is not the ability to summon emotions and it is not about telling Jesus how much we would like to be cut into small pieces for his sake (and an hour later among other people, any little irritation cannot be endured ). It is partly about the willingness to make a holocaust of part of one's life by spending time doing what seems fruitless. A person could do something else with that time. There might be a lot of involuntary distraction (I notice my mind has wandered off and I remind myself I am here to spend time with God) or temptation to do something else. There are other examples of how we misjudge whether we are praying well but I think this is a fairly common one. St Teresa of Avila says to judge prayer over the long haul by whether we have improved in charity towards our neighbors.
When writing things on the internet we ought to do it together with God but it's very easy to forget.
It would be in error to feel indebted to you, Bridget, but for sure I feel even more indebted to God, Whom you at least allowed to Speak through yourself, not for a moment as His sock puppet. For that, my gratitude is indeed profound.
An aphorism, which must already exist in more perfect form, suggests its self.
God violates no ones free moral inclinations.
We, his creatures, if strongly inclined to love or hate Him,
He justly uses in accord with our manifest trajectory.
Examples: God's use of Pharoh or God's press ganging of St. Paul.
I was going to read your retrospective this morning, but I am distracted by A.I. speculations and the consequences of playing Frankenstein with the physical remains of my better off dead devices. (Freely squandering my limited time to save a little money.)
I'm that guy who will spend a day to avoid a ten-minute drive to the hardware store to save a dollar. b/c "Make do with what you have." Much of my life has been lived in a post-apocalypse mode, in which I am the man with one eye among the blind. I presume you might know what I mean.
There! Now you know who I really am, if left to my own devices. Ever read Terry Pratchett? Discworld? You must! No. Not really, but he spoke to me at one time with so much generosity of spirit and all...
I seem to be catching up. If this were a race, I'd be thinking, "Just get her to look back."
Better we both carry on.
"There'll be Peace when we are done."
I do not directly message strange men, nor should you be asking strange women if you can directly message them.