Fire Within: Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross and the Gospel on Prayer (Fr. Thomas Dubay, S.M.)
https://ignatius.com/fire-within-fwp/
(If you are catching up: chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, chapter 5, chapter 6, chapter 7, chapter 8, chapter 9, chapter 10, chapter 11, chapter 12, chapter 13, chapter 14)
Chapter 15 “Friendship”
[I think this reaction-to-the-chapter post is likely to be more incoherent than usual (a high bar!) since I took several weeks to get through this chapter. Also, it is late on Saturday night as I am typing it up so there will not be much proofreading.]
9/22 [in blue gel pen] — ok Lord — I have 20 minutes to take a stab at Chapter 15 FRIENDSHIP. Today I have been reminded of hobbits, and of CS Lewis and his brother, and of St JHN [John Henry Newman] and his friend. The author says he has gathered these thoughts of St Teresa of Avila from where they are scattered in her works, and combined it with how she lived.
“St. Teresa’s Friendships” — two pages — “anything unrelated to the beloved [i.e. to God] is a burden”, I think that anyone can identify with being a small child whose adult relatives (first cousins once removed [i.e. the first cousin of one’s mother or father], or great-aunts, etc) are talking together about nothing of any interest to you, very wearisome if you have been brought on a social visit — I cannot recall what the adults talked about at all and I think we must (we little children) must [sic] have been excused to find something to do usually... none of them read what I would like to read or watched what I would like to watch or if they did, they were not talking about it.
How few people (as a child I would have been uninterested by them too!) want chiefly to talk about God!
Lord, I won’t pretend that I am one of them but when I think about scifi cons I have been to, where everyone has an air of “finally I am among MY PEOPLE” and spend the rest of the year looking forward to the next one, I suppose — [Unfinished sentence?]
to be interested in mystical theology, Lord, is a very obscure hobby. A Bible study is at least like the 501st Legion — you can find a garrison and get together on the regular, and people who aren’t into it at least recognize the concept of “Star Wars” even if they think you are living in a fantasy world.
Well, I am grateful to have a [Secular Carmelite, not Star Wars, for clarity] community but 9:03pm!
9/27 [in red ink] — Saturday
“Motivation” (sub-heading.)
What am I to say? The author says St Teresa’s friendships were rooted in God — and helped each other on the way to God. That is a fine way to live. If a person has lost interest in frivolous things... I am interrupted. (Back.) Do I have friends? What is a friend anyway?[1]
“Divine Altruism”
does this mean, Lord, what You said: don’t invite people who can pay you (i.e. me) back but instead invite the people who cannot repay? — they will repay later, like the dishonest steward’s friends in high places who owed him one. You will repay later for them. Well, no, this section is about some other thing. Spending just the right amount of time — not excess, no idle words; not being possessive either.
I think we ought always to desire You — to want to return to conversation with You — or companionable silence — not only as an overstimulated person desires quiet, but also the gentle strength of Your presence... [next page] — this is not to say that we should behave differently if You withdraw the impression of Your felt presence (which is not You) — since we ought to do things for love of You and not for how they feel: better in that case, if the feeling were removed (as it sometimes will be.)
“Expressed Warmth”
Well, certainly this is something I never do. (Han Solo, being frozen, last words of.) [2] I tell my mother that I love her, and I say all sorts of things to You (cf. sanguis Christi, inebria me [i.e. while figuratively drunk]); who could help doing that? and I mean all of them at the time — but You see how poorly I put them into practice, Lord! (cf. “Why do you build me up, Buttercup”[3]), I keep You waiting — or I refuse to do something that I am likely to enjoy — simply b/c I am in the middle of something else —
— my older son is making a bear mask from brown construction paper + keeps interrupting me for the next step... I have the impression that people for a few centuries read things into Teresa/Gratian that are not there because they [the people] are not Sherlock Holmes — eliminate the impossible (but people who are not madly in love w/ God do not have the same idea at all of what is impossible. Peter + Susan trying to work out “why” Lucy would make things up b/c they assume it can’t be true!
[next page, now in black ink, same evening] “Receptivity to Human Love”
This too is not an area in which I excel... It’s clear that it is not only love but mutual understanding and for a mystic I can understand why it would mean a lot... not the human consolation of feeling understood (I would not underestimate this, Lord) but the joy of someone having their priorities straight. [Oh my goodness yes.] How consoling to be near people who love God!... rather than elbowing one’s way upstream through a steady (pulsing) river of apathy toward You: “is there a God? can’t be bothered to find out.”
“Loyalty to Friends”
— This would be how we find out, Lord, whether we are “fair weather friends”.
“A note” — of course, Lord, desiring to see You, we begin to see You in others. But in the least-demanding first (the man on the street corner? certainly; the man I live next door to, work with, etc? much harder because of the baggage: the past memories of ... and the imagined future that attracts or repels.)
“Friendships Among Others”
This takes a certain degree of maturity.
Everything has to be put to death by You, at some point, so that it can be raised by You. If I have a friendship for self-centered reasons it’s going to give me a hard time (it is You, Lord, who are the giver of hard times.)
11:55 pm Sun 9/28 “Harmful Relationships” — This phrase, in modern times, makes me think of abusive relationships w/ narcissists: people who have a tremendous neediness that warps their interactions w/ others.
If idle chatter, holy idle chatter, is unhealthy for us (and why? — I’ll tell You why and You tell me if I am right — because it is self-seeking actually; seeking consolation beyond what is necessary to “stay the course”, instead of spending time with You that might feel less satisfying.) — then I am in trouble, sure, because I do a lot of that — mostly by typing. I like to “score points” — that’s not “holy” at all, but is vanity. —oh! I have forgotten to eat!...
Well. Now it is 6:40 am on Sat 10/4. [At adoration, finally, instead of trying to write at home in the evenings.] “Traits of Holy Friendship” — is this where I left off? The author identifies two: a burning desire for the other to be immersed in God, and a willingness to correct the other and to receive correction... It is hard, Lord, to be corrected even when one trusts the other person, because of wounded vanity, and it’s clear to me that if someone does not trust “this person loves me; God loves me and is correcting me through them” then this willing acceptance will not happen (w/o a severe interior struggle — I recall being corrected, privately, by a coworker — or a breach in the relationship, a cooling of the friendship.)
The reason that I would resent correction is: 1. an attachment to sin (a direct desire not to be called back to right behavior), 2. a lack of confidence in Your unearned love for me — if I am not “good” (this is the flawed way of thinking) then I am “not lovable” (although reason and Scripture alike tell us that You, Lord, died for me while I was yet a sinner) — it is Your love that makes us good (if we let it) and not the other way around.
But one is used to having to “earn” things: to earn someone’s trust etc.
“Discerning Genuine Friendship”
Am I at least friends with You, Lord? Since it seems vanishingly unlikely that I am friends with anyone else. You are a friend to me, but I am not a good friend to You, and I am sorry for it; also I cannot be unless You create in me the capacity for it. The things that You have to do to me are subjectively very terrible (experienced as “I am dying!”, “I am being disassembled!”, “I am being razed to the ground!’, “a natural disaster, in my interior!” “a kitchen being demoed!” (in software “demo” does not mean “demo-lition” as it does on HGTV) “dark and on fire at the same time!”) and so You have to give me a desire for You that is, cf. Song of Songs [8:6], as strong as death.
However, I have gone off track before reading the section. “Second ... they cannot really be interested in anything unless it has to do with God...” (I smile) — how many of us can say this? — So anything not to do with God wearies them — here I think about introverts who recharge alone and expend energy in company — But, Lord, “alone” is not alone but with You (here I assume a holy person who is “in Your presence”) and “in company” is not tiring if it is something to do with You — but if it is mere amusement it is eating dust or straw — this is how I try to interpret this passage.
There is no reason to despair at not having these kinds of friendships: first, the rarity of encountering another mystic (I think that is what we are implicitly talking about), second, there is not always a prolonged or deep association even then. This would make it statistically unlikely unless You have put a thumb on the scale (nothing is random and also holiness OUGHT TO BE (why isn’t it more so??) contagious. One saint ought to infect their vicinity w/ the burning desire for You. Certainly they would desire to (weeping and crying out because “Love is not loved”) perhaps I’m being melodramatic again.
If one wants friendship the first step ought to be a willingness to be corrected, by anyone. (7:20 am)
“The Desire for Human Love”
— if we see that we are not loved, the reason this ought to make us sad (if at all) is because You have commanded it*. (* love one another) But if Your love feels (at times) so terrible and at other times so absent, let us not judge by our feelings. If someone does not bear me ill-will, let this be enough for me. I am too much given to wanting to please others (a spaniel) for the sake of being well thought of — even when what You desire of me is not what is most pleasing to them.
“Marks of Affection” — the end of the chapter is in sight! You give me many small signs of Your affection, Lord, and what have I ever done for You? nothing! oh well! (But we’re talking about friendships w/ someone other than You.) — I think this section bids us to be chaste but not inhuman. If I am among people who hug, then I do what is expected; however in general I think I err (really err) on the side of a lack of demonstrated affection. If You want me to hug a stranger I do not hesitate. (7:35 am) but I have always been undemonstrative among my own; a fault.
The next chapter is “Spiritual Direction” and here I will be on firmer ground; have I had friends in the sense of the present chapter? Certainly not. Have I had directors? (going to considerable effort, by my standards, to find them.) Certainly. (7:38 am)
FOOTNOTE: [written at the end because evidently I thought something I had written that morning needed clarification, but what? I think the paragraph with the Song of Songs quote.] The desire cannot be “for the joy that lies before me” because this will be unimaginable [Clarification from the editor, who also is me: Specifically I mean that when a person is having a hard time it is not possible to imagine future joy (due to being caught up in the hard time and the memory/imagination is not working properly and so on). Technically the joy that lies before us is too great for us to imagine now at the best of times (eye has not seen etc. etc), but if we are not having a hard time we can at least take a stab at “it will be pretty great! Definitely looking forward to it!” and that is what I am not talking about, or rather, talking about the absence of.] and, also, self-centered; it has to be “for Your will to be done”. It is You who do this, recognizing this I submit to it uncomprehendingly (unable to see what good it could possibly be doing). I don’t know how You made Your will attractive. [Someone is shouting a lot while I type these final paragraphs in from my notebook, on Saturday night, because they do not want it to be bedtime. At the moment I cannot say that God’s will (this noise) seems attractive!]
Next chapter: https://withoutcost.substack.com/p/fire-within-chapter-16
Frivolous Footnotes:
[1] “what is friend?”
[2] The actor talking about the “I know” line:
[3] Oh my goodness there is an official video which is… indescribable.
Thank you, Sue.
For me, feeling that I am being heard is also a real "attachment" challenge / dilemma.
I take attachment to be a term for need motivations in general. Being heard is, like friendship, absolutely and personally, particular in its neediness or in its charity if perfected. So, there is this tension between having what I want and allowing that there be peace, within and without.
I have noticed that you are both direct and not relentless. Formerly, I was prone to being indirect and relentless. (If not in relentless argumentation, then (Worse!) in harboring a chill and silent resentment.) Not, I am relived to say, ever toward you. In fact, I have been waiting (feeling an insufficiency) until I have a fit reply to a point you made some weeks ago regarding my patron Saint. (I'm trying to say that one may be heard without getting much of a reply because the required insight might not yet have existed within the other.) Sometimes, silence is respectful.
That said, my reply, in a surrender of sorts, takes the form of a book, which should be in print, (Let me go and see...) In print, but if in public domain proceed with caution. "Slavery, Sabath, War, & Women: Case Issues in Biblical Interpretation Willard M. Swartley Copyright 1983. Many Catholics would be rather upset by this line of reflection, but I'm claiming it as an opportunity to become a better Catholic.
Allotted time having expired... Peace in Jesus. Trust it!
It's definitely important to have friendships that are God focused. I used to belong to a fairly vibrant prayer group but most of the members are now on the other side. I presume they are praying for those few of us left. Idle chatter can be a problem but I haven't figured out how to pull off turning these conversations to good. Sometimes it is better to just be alone in prayer.
I do pray others are immersed in God, but I am silly enough to focus on praying that my enemies and persecutors become immersed in God, undoubtedly because if they are immersed in God they will cease to do evil to me. So this is an extremely selfish prayer, even if it keeps someone from going to hell. As I said in the first part of my response, I do tell people things they should change but once I know they've heard I try to let it go. I am working on a few things someone I respect said to me a while back. Some changes are hard to make, but at least they're easier to make if someone has pointed out that they need to be fixed.
I get more messed up by the selflessness of true friendship. I do want to see all the people I love get into heaven, but I expect us to want to get there together (with everybody else on earth, of course, but the closer the friend the more important that is. Their closeness can't be permanent because one or the other of us dies. Hopefully it will be reborn in the next life.
I don't think I am all that concerned about being loved by others because I am more of a Getman Shepherd-Pit Bull mix than a Spaniel. I can be persuaded by logic but I don't change my mind due to friendship. I don't get rid of a friendship due to a disagreement, though, unless it's something that can't be resolved. As far as hugs go, I miss being mistaken for a teddy bear by my former students. And I really like her forbidding people to say if you love me you will whatever, because that seems to me a way of using people to get them to do what you want. It was a great, easy to read chapter. Thank you for going through this with us.